Voices from Childhood

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to a mother

I remember the days when I was your special 'little boy blue' and then the nights wishing that the yelling and fighting would stop - always in fear thinking that someone would kill someone. I remember the night when he raked a knife across your hand - you should have had more respect and thrown him out then. I remember you giving in to him always - he was right - crazy but right. You thought you could fix him, but it was at our expense. You had no courage to protect your children which I find so very pathetic now, yet the damage is done. The days were bearable, but after he came home from work, he dominated the night. You allowed it. You threw us under his bus to protect yourself. And he eventually raped my sister over and over for years. She is a woman who to this day doesn't understand her real value. You chased him out for a night when you 'caught him' only to let him return. 'What would the neighbors say'. You cared more about your selfish
interests than your own daughter. Could you have been so stupid to not know ? I suppose its possible but I have a hard time believing that. My entire early life through early adulthood was spent listening to your problems. Is this a burden a mother should impose on her son ? Even Edith Bunker had more courage than you. I spent years troubled with my anger over him, but the reality is, what he did was so direct and obvious. When he died, I didn't mourn the person he was, but the father I never had and never would. But you mom, what you did to us was below the surface of our understanding, until now. We were not ourselves ever and its because you were never your true self. I had no real skills to navigate the world, just what I learned on my own. My insecurity and lack of caring for myself have had their effect on my life, and its a wonder that I didn't kill myself or become a drunk. Its a pity that you will leave this earth someday never having
known yourself. I know you did the best you could with what you knew, but the memories linger to this day. I will get past this and regain the true self that I am, and I want to share this with others: I am proud of myself every day for making it this far in life and I know life gets better from here on. Thank you Alice Miller.

 

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